From the 1905 musical “The Umpire”. Words by Hough & Adams. Music by Jos. E. Howard.
Sheet Music
Accompaniment
Lyrics
Refrain
How’d you like to be an umpire
Work like his is merely play
He don’t even have to ask for
All the things that come his way
When the crowd yells, “Knock his block off”
“Soak him good”, says every fan
Then who wants to be an umpire
The brickbats whiz, when he gets his
For the umpire is a most unhappy man
Chorus
How’d you like to be a camel
He don’t ever mind the heat
He has seven lovely stomachs
They’re all full of things to eat
But he travels without drinking
Seven days to say the least
So, who wants to be a camel
Without a drink? Well, I don’t think
For the camel is a most unhappy beast
Chorus
How’d you like to be a mermaid
Live below the glassy sea
Why if you could swim like she can
What a cinch this life would be
But suppose she took a street car
‘Spose the cable broke in two
Then, who’d want to be a mermaid
Gee, what shock, She couldn’t walk
Wonder what the dickens would a mermaid do